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Quiet Sunday

A mellow Sunday. Just the way I like it. It's one of my favorite days of the week. We never plan anything on Sundays. I set aside Sunday for my family. Sometimes, we'll have a little family gathering, but lately, they've been quiet and peaceful. Today was especially quiet. My mother-in-law slept over last night to help with Ethan. He has a cold once again. He wasn't a very good sleeper last night. He was up from two in the mornen' and on. Almost half the night. Grandma stayed with him the whole time. She adores her grandson. Tomorrow I'll bring Ethan to the doctor for some antibiotics. I'm sure tonight will be another round of wake-ups and congestion. The rest of the day was spent at home, accept for a quick trip to my parents place. I like to provide Ethan with some variety. Get him out once in a while to visit people and new places. He had a grand'ol time with my folks. He was so good. He's growing up to be a big boy. He's suddenly taken on the task of walking everywhere. This just started yesterday. It's been really amazing to watch. I have a "walker" on my hands. He walked around my parents place like he was a man on a mission. It was so cute. When we got home, I put the little guy in the tub and got him into bed. The rest of the night is mine. All mine. Gosh, I love Sundays.

As a scrapbooker, I find inspiration in the nooks and crannies of graphic design publications.  I have a small collection of graphic design books sitting on my shelf at home. I buy them on occasion as I see fit. It depends on what I'm looking for and what is calling me at the time..so, last week I splurged and bought myself the Regional Design Annual 2007 issue of "Print". I couldn't resist it. I broke my budget buying it. My Christmas present to myself (isn't that what we all tell ourselves?)The issue showcases a fine variety of graphic design projects implemented by well established graphic designers from across the country. It's eye candy for me. Gets me going. I've already referred to it for a layout I recently did..I fell crazy, head-over-heals for a color combo I found in the issue. I think Christmas always lends a bit of challenge when it comes to choosing "holiday assorted color combos". I was looken' to use something a little bit more "fun" and "non-traditional" this year for my Christmas Scrapbooking. So, here's what I found:

The combo: deep brown, vibrant orange/red, light olive green, dark blue/green, light blue/green, gold, pink, cream, and a cool tan. Delicious. Not only is the color combo something different for me, so is the concept of this layout..it "opens":

Behind the front part of the layout is the journal page. This is something I've seen other scrappers do a million times, but I've never had a reason to do it myself. Well, I needed a lot of room for writing and this solved the problem.

my focus was driving me crazy on my camera today. It just wasn't doing what I wanted it to do, so these close-ups are a tad bit on the fuzzy side. Gonna have to look at the camera and see what's going on. Arg. 

The snowflakes are Basic Grey. I painted them a cream color and coated each one with Martha Stewart Glitter Glue. I sprinkled on some clear glitter for added texture & sparkle. I sprayed each of the snowflakes with hairspray to keep the glitter in place. Works like a charm.

Behind each of the snowflakes sits a layer of dark blue/green wool felt. I traced each of the center snowflake openings onto the felt with a pencil, cut them out and adhered them to the back of each snowflake with Quick Dry Tacky Adhesive. It was a tricky process, but worth the effort.

Some of you have asked about my photography in the past. I don't use anything super fancy, though I'm a regular SLR user. I own a Canon Digital Rebel and use a Tamron 28-75mm 1:2.8 Macro lens on my camera. This is the only decent lens I own and I use it for everything. It's been worth it's weight in gold. For everything to be had with this lens, it's affordable compared to the L Series Canon lenses. I use Photoshop Elements 5.0 to tweak my photos. For the most part, I correct my white balance (levels), adjust the contrast a very tiny amount, and sharpen if needed (which is not very often). That's pretty much it.

 

Someone cares about you...

Knock. Knock. Who's there? It's the Mr. FedEx Man. What could he be bringing to our home? I haven't ordered anything in ages. It must be Eric's meds from hospice. I figured his nurse must of ordered something for him and the Fed Ex guy was dropping it off. So, I opened the door to grab the box and guess what? It wasn't for Eric. It was for me. Oh my gosh!? What the..wait, who's it from? Scrapsupply..hmmmm..what's going on here? I quickly opened the box and look what I found. Yep, you see that stuff in the pic? That's just some of it. Scrapsupply generously supplied me with some scrapbook goodness and a heartfelt card with the words "Someone Cares About You". Part of the shipment was even wrapped in Christmas paper. I just about cried. I couldn't believe it..here I was having a terrible mornen' and this box came to brighten my day. The timing couldn't of been better. So, I'm sending out a huge  thank-you to the thoughtful people over at Scrapsupply for the items I received today....including the hand-made sympathy card. I'm truly grateful..and blessed to know that support extends beyond the walls of my home...beyond the boundaries of my state..and from places and hearts I've never been or known. Thank-you so much.

It was a very difficult day for me today, but I want to start this entry off with an update on Eric. Eric hasn't shown any real significant changes or losses in the last week or so. He's actually awake for longer periods of time and his cognitive function has improved some. His awareness level has also improved. We've been seeing and hearing a lot more from Eric these last few days. I've even caught him wondering the house without me knowing it..just a few nights ago the guy was cleaning his coffee machine. I was so impressed. Of course, this doesn't go without saying that Eric continues to get weaker physically. He's experiencing muscle wasting. Because he's not actively walking around as much, his muscle weight is decreasing. This makes it harder for him to function like we do. He just doesn't have the energy or the strength that he used to have when he was a healthy guy.  He also lacks coordination, which makes it difficult for him to navigate a path easily. These are a few of the changes we've been seeing in Eric...more later.

Right now, we're taking the good with the bad..appreciating each second we have with him. Just last night I soaked up some time with Eric. We sat side by side on the couch and ate Klondike bars together like two big kids totally in love. These moments are rare and when they happen, I tell myself not to forget them. Here I am recording it...I don't want to forget. We also held each other's hand today. So sweet. It's these small, precious moments that define us..not the cancer or the changes. It's the stuff I try to focus on in the midst of the chaos that surrounds us. Taking the good with the bad. Focusing more on the good. That's how we're surviving.

Today was a rough day for me. I can't specify details, though this sort of experience doesn't come without arguments. I've had many in my day these last few months. They're draining and for the most part, unproductive (some are productive..not all).  They leave me feeling exhausted beyond repair. If I can avoid them, I do. I couldn't today. It was just one of those days. It was a big one too...it almost sank me. Sank me deep. Kathy came to my rescue once again (MIL)..thank goodness. We had a nice long chat and she provided me with some helpful feedback and a bitty bit of comfort. Love her for that. Just glad to have the day over now. A full night sleep awaits me. Take care. 

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...

It was a very white Christmas in Minnesota. Gigantic fluffy snowflakes fell from the sky all afternoon on Christmas day. It was light and airy. Perfect for building snowmen and forts...and getting the family out of the house to take some family photos. Smile. Ethan and I celebrated Christmas at my sister's warm, cozy home (Eric stayed with his mom). We spent the afternoon snacking on an endless supply of calories, catching up on family stories, opening gifts, and taking pictures of each other. We're a festive bunch. Lot's of children running around, people chatting loudly, and excitement brewing in the air. When Santa finally arrived, the party really started...the kids were soooo happy. I luved it. Just like old times. Ethan was a bit overwhelmed by it all. He's still a little lad. The whole gift thing isn't something he comprehends at this point or why there were so many people in the house to begin with. Halfway through the party, he was out like a light for a peaceful nap. Thank goodness. Wasn't sure he would even consider going down for a nap with all the entertaining going on. While he slept, I opened my gifts from my parents. They were very generous this year (they always are). I received a gift card to Archivers, Patinas, The Bibelot, Target, Starbucks, and a few other places. My father is familiar with my shopping habits, so he knows where I shop best. Ethan got lots of toys. Grandpa picked up a toy kitchen for him along with a rocking horse and a few other small items. He also got a vacuum which means mommy can finally start putting him to work around the house (j/k). He,he. After the gift opening ceremony, we headed outside to take some photos. The snow was so inviting. Here's a few of my faves:

This is my fam. From top, left to right: Charlie (my sister), Me, Kathy (my big sister), and Duane (my little bro) with his son, Jackson.  From bottom, left to right: Lynne (my mom), Duane (my dad), Myles (Charlie's son-my nephew), Grace (Kathy's daughter-my niece), and Izzy (Kathy's second daughter-my second niece).

I took a bunch of photos of my nephew, Jackson, with his mom, Brie (my brother's wife). They were having such a good time together while catching snowflakes. A perfect candid moment.

My dad with his grandson, Myles. I got sorta lucky getting this photo..just caught them in the nick of time as they were running towards me. Smile boys!

These are some of my favorite girls in the whole wide world. I spoil them with my love. These are my two nieces, Grace & Izzy, with their mom. This was by far the best photo I captured on Christmas day..the blue and greens are nummy. Can't wait to scrap it.

What's a Christmas day without a well manicured snowman? It was assembled Christmas mornen' by my nephew Myels and his dad. I think they did a dandy job putting this cute guy together. He's one handsome snowman.

On an off note, this was my Christmas theme color. Pink on everything. Studio Calico used a lot of pink in their December Scrapbook kit. It inspired me to use it for my gift wrapping this year. I kept it simple and sweet. This gift has yet to be open. Still waiting for it's owner. A left over gift...I'm sure you have some of those too. :)

Ok. I've actually got a layout to share with you. I feel like I don't get to the scrapbook book desk much these days, but it's temporary. It's sort of nice cause it's giving me time to refuel my creativity. Instead of scrappen' most nights, I've been reading scrapbook & graphic design publications. I need some new ideas. Something fresh and fun to add to my style..concepts, color combinations, composition ideas, etc. I've been feelen' my work has gotten a little stale lately. Not sure why..I imagine we all feel this way from time to time. Most creative types do. On this next layout, I broke some boundaries and let loose. It was sort of spontaneous. Free flowing. It's about my husband's last moment with Ethan before his last BBBD treatment (it was after the treatment he suffered brain damage and lost some long term memory and all his short term memory). Eric doesn't remember this moment (so glad I caught it):

There's no stitching involved in this layout. It's all pen and stamps. Simple. I also got a tad bit carried away with tearing paper, but it adds another layer of texture to the layout. I curled all the torn edges and inked them with distress ink using a sponge. I then colored in the enclosed areas of the lace paper with a white gel pen. I'm always trying to come up with new ways to use the KI lace paper. Hopen' to see more of it come next CHA in February of '08. What have you done with your KI lace paper? If you've used this product (or a similar one), leave a comment right here at my blog. Let's inspire each other. I'm always up for new ideas.

Hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday. I've been thinken' about all my readers this Christmas. So many of you have left me comments or have emailed me with your caring, thoughtful words. I read every single one of them. Each one resonates with me in some way, both big and small. It means a lot to me to know so many of you are thinken' about us this holiday season. Thank you so much for making this season brighter!   

Merry Christmas

"A merry Christmas to everybody! A happy New Year to all the world!"--Charles Dickens

Appointments

I've been feeling numb today. I sat in my car watching the hustle and bustle of the holiday grind as people rushed off to the nearest store to finish up their last minute Christmas shopping. I wasn't one of those people. Instead, I was on my way to my first therapist appointment. Getting ready to tell the story of my life. To share my deepest pain with a complete stranger. What grief. How in the heck did I get here? Why wasn't I feeling excited about Christmas? Why wasn't I out shopping like the rest of the crazy people out there? I'm usually one of those people. Last Christmas, I was out doing the same thing..not this year. Christmas isn't even on my radar. The only part I'm looken' forward to is seeing my little guy open gifts and hangen' with Santa Clause. Just to see him happy makes me happy. That's what Christmas is about for me this year..Ethan...family. Not the last minute shopping. So, why on earth would I still want to be a last minute shopper right now? Because it's easy. Because it's familiar..it's normal life. My life is not normal. Not even close. I'd give anything to have some normalcy in my life. Anything.

This is what I was thinken' as I drove to my first therapist appointment. I've been avoiding this visit. I'm not eager to confront my pain. It's been building slowly over the last year. It was simple to forget about it because the cancer wasn't outwardly present. Eric wasn't showing any outward symptoms. Now that the symptoms continue to change on a daily basis and Eric's condition worsens, my pain grows exponentially each passing day. I can't deal with the immensity of the pain on my own.  I know it's only going to get harder. I've been told the absence of the spouse is a whole 'nother level of pain. It's beneficial to start therapy before the person is actually absent. Good advice. Advice given by another widow. My friend Veronica lost her husband to the same disease two years ago. She's been a great help to me. She's the one encouraging me to start therapy. I think it's a wise choice. There's no walking around it.

Overall, the appointment went ok. I didn't realize how tired it would make me. We had to go over a lot of information, including my history. Wasn't exactly "therapeutic", but it's a start. After the session was over, I couldn't think clearly anymore. I was obviously overwhelmed by the complexity of the grief. Some how, it still surprises me that I'm grieving so hard. I don't think one can ever imagine the sort of emotional toll that one goes through when losing their spouse. I certainly didn't think there would be so many layers to this grieving process..it's very complex. I'm realizing it's going to take me a long time (years) to overcome my grief. It's more than I had anticipated...so much more.

Hospice made their first visit this afternoon. We're going with Allina Hospice. It's comprehensive and the program is expansive. We'll have access to a lot of various kinds of services. Eric will have a case manager/RN and a health aid. Both will be visiting him as needed. There will also be volunteers made available to us that can come and stay with Eric for hours at a time while we leave the house to run errands or just relax. This is something we've really needed these last few weeks. We're exhausted. We'll also have the option to have a housekeeper come in and do some cleaning each week. All meds and care will be administered and provided by Allina. We won't be running out to buy meds anymore. Eric will have an assigned doctor monitoring his care. Each week, the doctor and his team will discuss Eric's status and follow-up with a plan. Eric's original oncologist and neurosurgeon are still in the picture. Just not as often and only when needed. Equipment has been called in (more will be added later). We're creating an environment that will be safe and accommodating for Eric. We'll also have a social worker and a non-denominational priest for spiritual counseling. It's a very comprehensive package.

On a side note, I did find a "young widows" support group. I don't know much about the group just yet, but I've already made plans to join the group. I need it. It's easy to feel isolated and alone when going through this sort of loss..especially at the age of 30. I desperately need to connect with others facing similar trials as myself. I found the brain tumor support group to be especially helpful to me in the beginning..I hope the same to be true for this support group.

Retiring for the night... 

Planning Ahead

One step at a time. That's the only way to get through this. I have to live minute to minute. Try not to get too absorbed in the uncertainty of life. My future. I've been thinking a lot about my future these last few days. What's been heavily weighing on my mind are my finances. Thankfully, I had an appointment today with a financial adviser. She was of great help. We put together a plan for the next year. I'll be able to keep the house, but I'll have to closely monitor my spending. What a relief! I still have a few things that need doing on my part to make it all happen, though my finances are making more sense now and I feel really good about it.

We had our final visit with Dr.Truschiem on Monday. We were shown Eric's final MRI from Monday. The cancer has spread to over 60% of his brain. Looking at the scan made it seem like the cancer was every where, though we've been told that the cancer hasn't spread to some of the more crucial parts of the brain. This means more time for Eric, though the beginning estimate of 4-6 weeks was correct. We've initiated hospice care. We have arranged the first hospice visit for this Friday. They'll do an assessment and set up a schedule. They'll also sit down with us to discuss end-of-life details and palliative care....from what I hear, they're of great help. I know we're at a point where we need it. It's time.

I have been devoting time to myself. Eric's mom has ensured that I get out almost daily. She's so sweet. I went out to the bookstore yesterday and sat with a warm cup of coffee and graphic design publication. I did so for a few hours. I then visited with a friend at Cafe Latte for dinner. She's one of my favorite photographers in the whole wide world..I just adore her work. Krysten Halek. If you live in the Twin Cities area and you're in the market for a photographer, contact her and set up an appointment. Lately, she been so busy. It's that time of year. The holiday season always brings a round of people looken' for professional photos. I'm so glad I had an opportunity to catch up with her. Thanks Krysten! Tomorrow, I'll be meeting up with another friend for lunch at good'ol Olive Garden. Num. More catchen' up to do.

I need to get some scrapbooking done. It's been a few days. It's missen' me. Got some photos of Eric and Ethan that need a home. I'll post another update in a few days.

History

When I met Eric twelve years ago, one of the first things I noticed about him was his "ponytail". At first, I wasn't sure what to make of it. Most of the men in my life at the time had short crew cuts. Ponytails weren't something I was accustomed to on men. This one feature though attracted me to Eric. In a way, it was different from everything else in my life.  It was unconventional. I loved it. I fell madly in love with the guy. Still am. I know now that the ponytail he wore, even into his thirties, wasn't worn just for it's convenience (easy to manage). It represented something "big". It was a symbol of Eric's compassionate nature and sensitivity. It was also a symbol of his unwillingness to forgo his inner child...to always feel young, act young, and remain true to oneself. We had to say goodbye to the ponytail in November of '06;  Eric underwent a craniotomy and they shaved off half his hair. The chemo took the rest. I captured this photo before the procedure:

Eric surprised me today. He spent time on the computer. I wasn't expecting this at all. Eric's been so tired lately and most of the time, he only gets up to eat and use the bathroom. So when he entered the office all bright eyed and awake, I just about started jumping up and down right then and there. He actually sat himself in his computer chair and started navigating his way online and checking email. He was on the computer on and off for three hours...he slept at various intervals and got back up to use the computer some more. We were ecstatic! He even answered the phone when his mom called while he was on the computer. I hadn't realized he answered the phone (cause I answered it also) until he started adding his two cents to my conversation. I just about dropped the phone. Still can't believe it. The whole thing just made my day. So glad to see Eric get a boost of energy to do something he enjoys..to live life if only for a few hours. Amazing.

I did get some grocery shopping done today. Not exactly one of those fun trips worth talking about or doing for that matter, but it needed to be done. Eric eats constantly. The dex (steroids) have increased his appetite by a hundred. I've been referring to him as "pac man" lately. A few nights ago (and don't ask me what I was thinken'), I gave him a bag of cookies and he ate the whole bag. We're talken' 25 gourmet cookies. We've learned rather quickly not to let him have easy access to food. Funny, cause this is not what you would expect from somebody who is terminally ill. Honestly though, we're just glad to have him eat. So, I went out and bought more food today. We've got enough food stashed to last us a few weeks. Should be enough to keep Eric content and full.

A Little Gift Giving

I've been in the "giving" spirit lately.  Yesterday, I went out and did some Christmas shopping.  This year, I've been focusing on picking up gifts that are small and meaningful.  Previous years, I would spend hours hunting down the perfect gift for each of my family members. That's not holding true this year. I'm keeping it simple. Amazingly, I've had great success after visiting only a few local specialty shops. One of my favorite places to shop in the Twin Cities area is Patina. They have a fun, eclectic assortment of gifts to choose from. Everything from home decor to the latest, funniest office accessories. The store has a slight Bohemian feel to it. Lot's of color and texture for the human eye to envy. It's been a while since I've visited Patina. I love doing my Christmas shopping there. I found exactly what I was looking for and at the same time, let myself forget about life at home. Shopping at it's best. Here are some of the items I purchased and "shshshsh"-don't tell anybody what I got. Happy Holidays!

Two beautiful vintage, hanging plaques for both my sisters. Gosh darn it..they're so going to see this..just act surprised you guys when you open your gifts :)

Miso pouches for the girls (my nephews) and some cotton candy flavored chap stick.

A beautiful rhinestone necklace for a special friend out in New York.

These precious felt birds to use as gift toppers for the extra special gifts I plan to give out this year. I was tempted to pick up a few extra to use on Scrapbooking projects..but didn't.

Eric is still sleeping a lot. He gets up to eat and use the bathroom and that's about it. This mornen', he got up extra early. His mom was with us overnight. She made him breakfast and during his time with his mom, he asked her what he should get me for Christmas. It took the both of us by surprise. We weren't expecting it..he hasn't been coherent. Sometimes, he has these moments of clarity when life feels "normal" and he's totally aware of his surroundings. It's amazing. I told him this afternoon not to worry about buying me a Christmas gift. The only gift I want this year is for him to have time with us and his family. To celebrate the holiday together and be at peace. In light of that celebration, he did put together a gingerbread house with Ethan yesterday. It turned out adorable...

Thank you everyone for continuing to visit me and the blog. I appreciate all the support and read every single one of your comments. Thank you for opening your hearts and sharing this difficult time with me and my family.

At Home

Eric's been really tired today. He was in and out of bed till late this afternoon. It's not unusual for him to sleep a few hours a day, but lately the hours are adding up. He's sleeping more and more. No surprise. This is expected of course at this stage of the disease. He'll sleep more and more as the cancer progresses. I really believe he's at a point where leaving the house is no longer an option. His energy level is at an all time low. Even with the high dose of steroids on board, he's still very fatigued. We spend most of our time in the home. Today, I did some cleaning, played with the little guy, internet surfing, and eventually got over to my parents house with Ethan for a nice visit. It was a very low key day. Nothen' special. Just a nice, calm day.

We did talk with Eric's nurse at Fairview Hospital yesterday. We've been informed that Eric "may" only have 4-6 weeks to live. It's a guess..but from the information they've gathered from us about Eric's current symptoms, this is the estimation they gave us. We have a big meeting next Monday with Eric's oncologist, Dr.Truschiem, and Eric's primary nurse, Katy. He'll have his final MRI the same day. It will be our last visit to Fairview Hospital. The focus will be palliative care at this point. We're moving forward with in-home hospice and hope to have Eric with us at home during his final days. All of this needs addressing as Eric enters the last stage of brain cancer.

These last few days have made me realize that it's important for me to start grief counseling. For some unknown reason, I've avoided picking up the phone and making the appointment. It's been on my to-do-list for months. It just never seemed like the right moment. Eric's health was ok up until this point. It was easy to let things go and just keep living life as usual. My life has been dramatically shifted within the last few weeks. The experience of loss is more real. Eric is less available and we're no longer sharing in the activities that defined our marriage. My home and daily routines have changed as I've needed more help caring for Eric. So, I made the call and I feel really good about it. I start next week.

Slowing Down

Ok. I've slowed down a bit today. It's the first time this week I've had a few moments to think about where my life is going and how I really feel about it all. Lately, it's been completely chaotic. I haven't been able to keep up with Eric's changing health. I really needed to sit down and sort through my feelings. After confiding in a few family members, I found some clarity and perspective. I had neither of these things yesterday. I felt lost and exhausted beyond belief. Physically ill. Today, I'm feelen' better. Life is ok. Working on ways to help myself and Eric. Often, I forget about myself. It's easy to do as a caretaker. I've been caught up in the moment. Not thinken' of me. Avoiding guilt. Eric's mom reminded me yesterday that I need to slow down and accept help. Let things go. Take care of me. Not feel bad about it.  So today, I've been doing just that...

I've been working on this layout for the last few days. Been mostly scrappen' at night when Eric's sleeping and I have a little free time. I took this photo a month or so ago before Eric's last chemo treatment. We were sitting on the couch together hand in hand. Thinken' about all the years we've known each other. 12 total.