Appointments
I've been feeling numb today. I sat in my car watching the hustle and bustle of the holiday grind as people rushed off to the nearest store to finish up their last minute Christmas shopping. I wasn't one of those people. Instead, I was on my way to my first therapist appointment. Getting ready to tell the story of my life. To share my deepest pain with a complete stranger. What grief. How in the heck did I get here? Why wasn't I feeling excited about Christmas? Why wasn't I out shopping like the rest of the crazy people out there? I'm usually one of those people. Last Christmas, I was out doing the same thing..not this year. Christmas isn't even on my radar. The only part I'm looken' forward to is seeing my little guy open gifts and hangen' with Santa Clause. Just to see him happy makes me happy. That's what Christmas is about for me this year..Ethan...family. Not the last minute shopping. So, why on earth would I still want to be a last minute shopper right now? Because it's easy. Because it's familiar..it's normal life. My life is not normal. Not even close. I'd give anything to have some normalcy in my life. Anything.
This is what I was thinken' as I drove to my first therapist appointment. I've been avoiding this visit. I'm not eager to confront my pain. It's been building slowly over the last year. It was simple to forget about it because the cancer wasn't outwardly present. Eric wasn't showing any outward symptoms. Now that the symptoms continue to change on a daily basis and Eric's condition worsens, my pain grows exponentially each passing day. I can't deal with the immensity of the pain on my own. I know it's only going to get harder. I've been told the absence of the spouse is a whole 'nother level of pain. It's beneficial to start therapy before the person is actually absent. Good advice. Advice given by another widow. My friend Veronica lost her husband to the same disease two years ago. She's been a great help to me. She's the one encouraging me to start therapy. I think it's a wise choice. There's no walking around it.
Overall, the appointment went ok. I didn't realize how tired it would make me. We had to go over a lot of information, including my history. Wasn't exactly "therapeutic", but it's a start. After the session was over, I couldn't think clearly anymore. I was obviously overwhelmed by the complexity of the grief. Some how, it still surprises me that I'm grieving so hard. I don't think one can ever imagine the sort of emotional toll that one goes through when losing their spouse. I certainly didn't think there would be so many layers to this grieving process..it's very complex. I'm realizing it's going to take me a long time (years) to overcome my grief. It's more than I had anticipated...so much more.
Hospice made their first visit this afternoon. We're going with Allina Hospice. It's comprehensive and the program is expansive. We'll have access to a lot of various kinds of services. Eric will have a case manager/RN and a health aid. Both will be visiting him as needed. There will also be volunteers made available to us that can come and stay with Eric for hours at a time while we leave the house to run errands or just relax. This is something we've really needed these last few weeks. We're exhausted. We'll also have the option to have a housekeeper come in and do some cleaning each week. All meds and care will be administered and provided by Allina. We won't be running out to buy meds anymore. Eric will have an assigned doctor monitoring his care. Each week, the doctor and his team will discuss Eric's status and follow-up with a plan. Eric's original oncologist and neurosurgeon are still in the picture. Just not as often and only when needed. Equipment has been called in (more will be added later). We're creating an environment that will be safe and accommodating for Eric. We'll also have a social worker and a non-denominational priest for spiritual counseling. It's a very comprehensive package.
On a side note, I did find a "young widows" support group. I don't know much about the group just yet, but I've already made plans to join the group. I need it. It's easy to feel isolated and alone when going through this sort of loss..especially at the age of 30. I desperately need to connect with others facing similar trials as myself. I found the brain tumor support group to be especially helpful to me in the beginning..I hope the same to be true for this support group.
Retiring for the night...
