A Celebration of Life

I still can't believe he's gone. That's what I kept telling people today at Eric's funeral. I've been told it will take a few weeks for his absence to sink in. To feel real. I'm constantly looking for him. It's instinctual. Any second he'll come buzzing around the corner from his office. It doesn't happen though and I have to remind myself that he isn't physically here. I got used to having him around. Even when he was ill, he still was present. I'm realizing there was no way I could prepare myself for this. It's beyond anything I could of ever imagined. Surreal. When I told Eric goodbye today, it didn't really feel like goodbye. Actually, it felt more like a celebration of Eric's life. He was brought alive by the people surrounding him. He became more real to me. I suppose that's why tonight I sit in the office on the computer trying to figure out how the heck I got here. How a man I spent 13 years of my life with is no longer beside me. I don't see him eating dinner or hear him talking to Ethan. It's strange and at the same time, so very sad. I miss him so deeply that my heart aches each moment I think about him. I've shed enough tears to empty two Kleenex boxes. I'm in a complete state of confusion. Nothing makes sense. I suppose this is a completely normal reaction to losing a loved one. When it's your own though, it doesn't seem to matter whether it's "expected" or not. It hurts just the same. Here's to hoping tomorrow is a little bit clearer.

I was asked if I wanted to bring any of the flowers home from the funeral. I chose one bouquet and donated the remaining flowers to a local nursing home. There were many, but I couldn't part with the bouquet I received from the community of women at Studio Calico. It's was too beautiful. My favorite colors (Eric would of wanted me to bring them home...smile).