This evening I find myself feeling "blue". It's been a week since Eric's passing and for the first time, I've had moments of feeling displaced. It started this evening. I was preparing dinner for myself and Ethan and out of no where came the increasing sense of panic and anxiety. There didn't seem to be an obvious reason for the anxiety. I started to feel agitated after a while because I wasn't sure what the problem was. It was just there and the only thing I could do was let it happen. I actually have a long history with panic and anxiety disorder. In my early twenties, it nearly took control of my life. I learned to let it "ride" and "pass". So, that's what I did tonight. It hasn't entirely disappeared, but after an insightful discussion with my MIL, it did ease up a little bit. I'm learning that I have a lot of concerns about my future. I'm constantly thinking about my home, finances, relationships, and all the things that used to define me. Right now, everything is in the air and nothing makes sense. It's reason enough to explain why I feel anxious. Much of my life has been turned upside down and to add to that, I miss my companion more and more each passing day. Reality is starting to sink in. Eric's no longer with us. I've been told that it takes a full two weeks for the shock to wear off and also to feel the permanency of one's loss. I think their right. My worry and sorrow is growing. Both contribute to the feeling of panic and anxiety.
I think one of the mistakes I made today was not making plans for the day. I've been trying to make a concerted effort to establish plans for each given day. This usually helps keep me on track. It keeps me focused and busy. I didn't do that today. I figured it was Sunday and I could get away with doing whatever. Living life spontaneously. Well, that back fired. Laugh. I was left trying to figure out what the heck to do with my time. I spent a lot of it on the usual worries. None of my worries have real solutions right now. The only real solution is time. Tomorrow, I'm going to spend time at my parent's place and work on some thank-you cards. I'm also in the market for a new therapist. Another chore for tomorrow's plans.
I've been spending most of my free time (which is usually in the evening) scrapbooking. I know some have wondered how I could possibly scrapbook at a time like this. Honestly, it's my at-home therapy. Creativity is at the center of my being. It's my escape. It's a place I go to seek peace, comfort, reassurance, and joy. It's the one thing I can count on from week to week. It's always there. At any time, I can sit down at my desk and create. So, I've been working on some Studio Calico stuff. Trying to play catch up with next months kit. I've managed to finish two layouts so far. They may be the only two I get done this month, but I'm excited to have them completed none the less. It's a big accomplishment for me. The picture above is a close-up of one of my layouts. It's not the greatest photo, but who cares really?! Smile. I share Ali Edwards philosophy on the "not-so-perfect" photo idea. We should be able to scrap and share whatever photo we want without feeling guilty over it's imperfections. Life isn't perfect, so why should our photography be perfect? Anyway, it's a little something to share for today. I will post more close-up shots in a few days.
Lastly, I know some of you have been asking me about the lens I use for photography. I've posted it in the past, but for those of you that are interested-I use a Tamron 28-75mm 1:2.8 Macro lens on a Canon Digital Rebel XT. Hope this helps!
