Thinking Ahead...

It's finally done. I can't believe it. This was a large undertaking for me. I hadn't expected it to be this involved and detailed, but the album took on a life of its own. To be totally honest with all of you, this album brought a lot of emotions to surface for me. These last two weeks have been a roller coaster ride and it's still going strong. I've entered a new phase of grieving and I truly believe the project initiated it. As I sorted through old photos of Eric, myself, and Ethan, there was this awakening of sorts that life is far from what it used to be. Right now, my life is in serious limbo. With the realization that Eric isn't returning, I'm starting to wonder where this new life is going to take me over the next year or two. There's a ton of uncertainty and fear that I've been feeling since starting this album. Now that I'm fully aware of my circumstances, I wonder how I will make it on my own from this point forward, without Eric? Sure, I've come this far, but in reality, it's doesn't feel "far". The "big picture" is creeping up on me and I'm thinking about new housing and Ethan's education. These are big steps and it's become clear to me that they're going to happen in the next few years or so. Right now, I can't sustain us here, in a house that was built for a large family. I'm not even sure I want to be here anymore. I'm craving a new beginning...something different. I'm thinking more about the future than I ever have before. Maybe it's because I'm finally in a place within the grieving process that allows me to think ahead instead of constantly contemplating the past. I'm not really sure, but it sounds plausible. Here are those last two pages from the album:

I adhered an envelope to the last page of the album. It holds extra journaling that I wasn't able to fit in the album...about three pages worth.

Just Dad. Completed. Moving Forward....

Ethan loves cars. Just recently, he started bringing them into the bathtub. He's actually "pretending" for the first time using his little miniature vehicles. He drives the cars back and forth along the edge of the tub for long periods of time. He's making car noises and crashing them into the water like cascading car bombs. He has them navigating paths on the bathtub wall and along the surface of the water. All the while, he concentrates heavily on the car he's playing with while in the tub. It's all too fun to watch. I took a couple photos of him tonight while playing his usual pretend car games. Can't wait to scrap these. He's getting soooo big! My little guy...he,he. Makes his mom happy. Him and his cars. Honk! Honk!