Hidden away, was twelve months of my trying to re-salvage the love I so very much craved that was lost to the man I knew only as my soul mate. It had been four years. I thought it time to put myself out there. Make myself available in a purely venerable way I knew held risks and rejection that could 'cause me deep pain, and sorrow. Twelve months of bittersweet hope, all gone. I finally said good-bye to the last one. I dated him for two months. It seems menial, I know, but it felt real, and true. I stand alone, once again.
For a long while, I chose to not to share this part of my life here. I'd chose to keep it private. There are just some things not meant to be said out loud. I share now because the experience brought me to a dark place. Inside was a young woman who never felt so alone. Each and every time she gave of herself, it ended the same; "I can't give you what you want. I'm sorry." Such a painful thing to hear, over and over again. I kept giving too, thinking it would result in something different. In the end, it failed. I failed. Love wasn't meant to be, at least not yet.
Last Thursday, I experienced a moment of total break-down. You have to understand that widowhood is hard. It's far harder than anything I could of ever imagined. I think it had finally caught up with me, the loneliness and fear that I'd been harboring. This last year, I tried to fill that void by dating an endless series of top notch divorcees and bachelors. Not a single one panned out. Then, I made friends with a priest, a truly good man. He told me to stop. He reminded me that I wasn't alone, and that who knows why men do what they do. Today, after burning one last bridge, I feel improved. I'm ready to move on..I have to keep reminding myself that I can do this, embrace widowhood and create my own successes. Break-downs are totally allowed, too. I'm human, afterall...
As a sort of escape and to take time away from home base, I visited the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum with camera in tow. It's of a serene environment with cascading paths, aged trees, beautiful gardens, tucked away benches and man-made ponds & waterfalls. Much of it reminded me of Eric. Everything has it's place, and is perfectly situated just so. I let myself wander. I took photos of flowers, landscapes, foliage, etc. It's truly beautiful there. I don't think I could of found a more ideal place to relax, and get away.
At the entrance of the garden, hung wind chimes. Eric loved wind chimes. We've a large set hanging from grandpa's tree that were given to Eric as a gift prior to his passing. Ethan frequently tugs at the weight, the chime's centerpiece, to hear it's melody play out. In Eastern culture, chimes are positioned in sacred locations. Eric studied Zen Buddhism, loved nature and thought the world of chimes. Seeing them hang there, at the arboretum, gave me a sense of peace. I was surely at the right place.