The storm has passed. At least for now. I had the wonderful opportunity to sit down with a friend for a solid two hours to thoroughly investigate and discuss the build-up of the last twelve months. What I'd discovered took me by surprise. Just when you think you've overcome the worst that grief has to offer, it throws at you something so painful and intense, that it's impact is nearly unbearable. As a means of defending yourself, you ignore it, let it simmer in the back of your mind, and pretend that it doesn't exist. Still, the pain lingers. It's shadow unavoidable. Instead of asking what it's all about, you run and seek anything and everything that looks like an escape door. My escape door was a prince in shining armor. If I found him, and he loved me enough, I would suffer no more. It seemed the optimal cure, but then....
The crap hit the fan. I'm not going to lie. It was one of those awakening moments, when the tears fall endlessly, and the whole world feels like it's coming in on you and you've no way of stopping it. The layers suddenly come undone and in front of you, is an entire year's worth of sludge, filler, regret, loss, rejection, abandoned doors, etc. In that moment, I realized I could no longer run, nor hide from the truth. It was time for me to sort through the mess that had been created....which I did, but not without enduring bittersweet agony, a feeling I'd been trying to avoid since last Summer, when this whole "prince charming" search began.
A couple nights ago, during the two hour conversation, what I'd discovered was that I was desperately clinging to the past, holding on for dear life, and wishing for Eric to return so that we could live out the next fifty years together. Of course, I knew my wish would never see the light of day, so instead, I went on a dating spree. The process was mind-numbing. I didn't have to think about the real issues because I was busy looking for Mr.Right #2. Not surprisingly, the horse and carriage failed to arrive and no matter what I did, the result was always the same - nearly every guy told me, "I can't give you what you want." No kidding, and that's because I'd been asking them to do the impossible, "Fix me, will ya? Tell me that everything is going to be ok? Promise to always be there? Blah. Blah. Blah." These are the very questions I should of been asking myself, but I kept delegating them out while living in a complete state of denial. Finally, someone came into my life that was willing to ask the tough questions. He'd held me responsible, called me out on what I'd known all along, that letting go of Eric was essential to both my and Ethan's future happiness and success.
After the conversation/intervention ended, and after a decent night sleep, I woke up the next morning not really knowing what to expect. While perusing the house a bit and getting ready, I noticed an inner peace that hadn't been there prior. Something changed, dramatically. I felt like a free woman, for the first time, in a long time. Today, I feel the very same, but there are still tiny moments when I catch myself thinking about the losses of this last year, the "could-of-been" and "almost". I met some great people along the way...I plan to never forget them. In my heart ,they will always be, as is Eric. I must let go, though. I really need to move on and make amends with the past. I must.
In looking ahead, this next year is going to be f-a-b-u-l-o-u-s! There is a new project soon to be underway, and starting next week, Ethan and I return to the classroom for another nine months. It's almost impossible to believe that the Summer is already over. In a way, it's kind of a relief - this last year has come full circle, literally. Plus, I'll be fully absorbed in this new project, that I'm head over heals excited about :)) Good times ahead!!
Before I leave, I want for you to know that I'm sincerely grateful for your compassion, support, and constant presense here at my blog. I owe the scrapbook community an immense amount, especially to those of you that have been following my story since the very beginning. What an amazing journey it has been - I expect the next couple of years to be even more amazing. You're support and words of enouragement throughout it all, have helped to keep me afloat in more ways than one. Thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you.
