I know it's been far too long since I last pulled the curtain back to reveal a greater truth about myself. There isn't a reason for the venerable silence, just that time has passed quickly and in it's grasp, I haven't had a single opportunity to catch my breath to speak the truth. It's called survival mode and I have been here for what feels like an eternity.
I know that most of you envision a woman of strength, one that has persevered great loss to the extent that she no longer seizes to exist in a world of sadness and pain. Truth is, I'm no where near the "other side". In fact, I wish I could return to the world I once knew, a place and time when breathing and believing came as naturally as waking up in the morning without ever questioning the purpose of my existence. Life was far easier then....and loss not even a part of the equation.
A painful realization found me last night, in the wake of a disagreement. I'm only just getting by. Holding my head above the surface. I thought by now I would have created something more for myself..and Ethan. I don't feel nearly "good enough", nor accomplished enough at my age. I realize it's not my fault. No one can be nearly prepared enough to lose their soul mate. Still, the pressure "to be" and "to achieve" is tremendous and weighs on me all of the time. The self-automated reminder that I need to get my crap together stands like a sign in my head, blinking, waiting for me to do something about it without a switch to turn it off.
I share this today because I want to be good enough. I want to wake up every morning knowing that there's a place in the world for me that is whole and healthy...and that I belong. I'm tired of sitting on the train, waiting for the doors to open and a better life to greet me on the other side. Most my existence has been spent idling quietly along the sidelines. Always feeling like I don't fit in...taking comfort in my being an introvert. Artist. Creative type. What have you.
So tell me, how many of you out there feel unaccomplished or, not good enough? I think deep down, many of us feel this way. It may just be the curse of the creative soul..or living in a society that enforces unrealistic expectations upon it's culture or promotes extroversion to the point that any other form of being is unacceptable and a sign of inadequacy and failure.
My purpose in talking about this here is because I think it's important to connect with people like ourselves. I think we all have more in common than we often believe. Personal struggles with confidence and self worth don't discriminate...I want to open the door to talking about it openly and honestly. Lets have a conversation.
Now, this doesn't go without saying that my journey hasn't been in vain. Looking back at the big picture, I've endured, conquered and grown beyond my wildest dreams. If here, my dear belated would honor me with his approval, shower me with love and tell me that my "being good" enough doesn't matter..because in his eyes, I matter more than anything in the world. His commitment to me is everlasting. I just have to hang on...and be patient, respectful and loving (the three words carved on his marker).
A single last note - my blog has become a vacant hole this last year. I've been juggling far more than I can handle. I crave the creative spur that this place represents. I can't tell you how much I miss my creative time and the awesome crafts community. You guys are always on my mind - so, I'm thinking of other ways to call this place home again, including pulling back the curtain - sharing the real stuff that is life as most of us know it. The good. The bad. All of it...with a few minor discretion's. Of course, scrapbooking will always be on the radar. Inspiring visuals are non-optional.